Want to Help?

Recently, I joined a committee that is putting on a fundraiser for our adoption agency, Christian Adoption Services.  Why would our agency need a fundraiser, isn't it government funded?  Well, actually, our agency is a non-profit organization.  The costs of their programs/adoptions are covered by fees charged to adoptive families, fundraising, and donations.

The agency provides pre-adoption counselling to expectant mothers, often having several meetings over many months.  The social workers at the agency spend a lot of time helping to facilitate relationship building between expectant families and adoptive families, and they continue with counselling for birth mothers after placement.  

CAS is a registered charity.  Financial donations allow them to keep their costs to adoptive families as low as possible.  Donations also allow CAS to run extra programs such as training seminars, support groups, and special events.  Ben and I have already taken part in two training seminars and a dinner for adoptive families.

While less expensive than adopting internationally (mostly because of the additional travel), the cost of adopting domestically is quite a significant expense for most families.  The costs will be different in each case depending on the amount of counselling necessary, distances traveled, and accommodations, etc., but will range between 12,000 and 15,000 or so by the time the adoption is finalized.  This high cost makes adoption out of reach or financially straining for many families.  After spending a day last month at an adoption training seminar with other waiting families from CAS, the idea of helping with this fundraiser became more important and personal to me.  We met a family who had recently adopted twice.  When asked about how they came up with the funding (I was a little surprised when someone asked them that!), they said that they had taken out a line of credit on their home and borrowed from an uncle!  Another couple we spoke to had held fundraisers within their church.  Point is, people don't have this kind of money just sitting around.  If there is any chance that I can be a part of making adoption more affordable for families, I want to be a part of it! 

Check out the link below to see how the costs break down for adoptive families (there are no costs to birth families):
domestic adoption fees

So, the fundraiser!!!  

It is going to be a silent auction and will be held in Calgary in March 2015.  If any of my readers are from Calgary, you should go (info to follow in the new year)!  The reality for me is that we don't live close enough to Calgary to make it to the auction.  What we are planning to do for our contribution to the fundraiser is to collect as many item donations as possible.

If any of you feel called to help us raise money for the agency (and in turn help keep costs down for adoptive families), please consider donating something!  I think that gift cards for popular restaurants, clothing stores, grocery stores, itunes, or other stores would be easy to send and would garner lots of bids.  Or, if you have a home based business or crafting ability, donations of those items would be much appreciated as well!

Here is a peek at what I made for the auction.  I went through my fabric stash and made a few minky blankets.  I'm guessing that there will be a few expectant parents or grandparents at this auction :)

In James 1 verse 27, the Lord calls us to look after the needs of the widows and the orphans.  This act of caring for orphans looks different for all of us, but the call remains the same.  Some are meant to adopt, others are meant to foster, others are meant to sponsor children.  Are you able to help?  Throw something extra in with your Christmas shopping?

Please contact me if you would like to contribute.  Or, if you already have my address, send me your item by mail.  Thank you in advance to all who help!  Your support will help bring children home to their forever families.  We are so thankful for CAS and are excited to see how God will bless them through this event!  

I plan to give anything collected to the agency for the auction by January sometime.

             -Ali

while we wait...

A funny thing happens when you are presented with the idea that you may be bringing home a baby (or two) in a couple days.  For about five days we weren't sure if we would get chosen as adoptive parents for two babies that had just been born, and wow did that ever bring to light all of the many things that I had planned/hoped to get finished.  Those things that only really happen when you are under the gun and just have too.... like painting the three or four rooms in the house that we have never painted (and we have lived here for four years)... making a quilt for our master bedroom... getting caught up on photo albums... doing a couple of small scale renos like door handles and a bathroom refresh... Yeah.  And the list is longer than that too.   

Overall, what I realized it that I better keep up with life so that when our adoption opportunity does come, we will be at least sort of ready!  And by sort of ready, I mean, not totally bogged down with to dos.  Who is ever completely ready for an adoption anyways?

So, with the possible adoption opportunity ending last week, I kicked into gear.  I managed to paint our upstairs hallway, which happens to have a measly six doors and two closets...yup, ridiculous amount of cutting in.

Yes, this is one of the most exciting pictures I have taken, lol.  The walls used to be a brown/peach colour.

I also ordered up some material for a master bedroom quilt.  The colours are blue, orange and white, so I had better get painting the forest green bedroom soon as well.  The quilt will be in a triangle pattern.  I wanted to choose something simple that I could make in just a few days so that it doesn't end up taking over my fall/winter.  These are some of the fabrics in the set I ordered!

Here is a sample my 2012 family photo book!!!  This was a project that I started last winter, so finishing it this week felt really good.  I may now get going on 2013 as well.  

Also, we were given a new adoption book to read when we were at our seminar earlier this month, The Open Adoption Experience, by Lois Ruskai Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia.  I have read a few chapters so far and I think that it may take me a while to read. It is so full of information and adoption stories that just a few pages gives you enough to think about for a few days.

I don't know if people ever really feel caught up with life, but I figured I should try.  I have really been enjoying all of these projects and they have given me somewhere positive to focus some of my energy.  I don't always feel like we are waiting, and I think that is because we keep busy.  I think I have enough here to consume for free time for a few months :).

I pray that Ben and I can wait well.  I don't want to be sad or discouraged.  I want to be prepared and excited.  

Our 'Dear Expectant Parent' letter

One of the things that needed to be written is our 'dear expectant parent' letter.  This is a letter that gets included with our profile book, and is read by birthmothers when they are trying to chose a family.  Some of these things are written in our profile book as well.  

This was a tough letter to write, knowing that it may only get read if someone has already connected with our pictures, or that it might get scanned over quickly along with several other letters.  I wanted it to be clear and easy to read... a quick snapshot of us and how we view adoption. 

I may revise it as time goes on and as I think more and more about what I would want to say to a birth mother and what I would want her (and her partner/family) to know about us.  We are also attending an adoption training seminar in October, and I bet I will revise it tonnes after that too!  It is a bit of a work in progress.

I included our letter here:

"Welcome!

We are Ben and Ali, and we thank you so much for taking the time to look at our profile to learn more about us.  We are grateful that you have chosen to consider adoption and commend you for your courage and strength to choose life for your child.  We share in your desire to make the best decision for you and for your child.  We pray that God will give you the strength and peace you need on the road ahead of you.                

                                             

Please me us introduce ourselves.  Ben and I grew up in northern BC.  We met in 1999 and married in 2003.  While we dated, I completed my elementary teaching degree and Ben completed his power engineering.  We knew from the start that I was medically unable to carry a baby and that we would need to be patient and trust God's plan for our family to unfold.  It has been quite a journey through infertility and longing to have a family, but the Lord has been faithful and we are so blessed.  He gave us many years together as a couple to build our marriage and help us grow into the people we are now.

  

  We have one son named Logan, born in 2010, who was carried for us by a friend as a surrogate mother. This was such an incredible gift to us!  We are not pursuing having any other children this way and are excited to expand our family through adoption!  We are a happy and loving family with strong family values and a foundation in God's word.  We can offer your child all the love and nurturing of a dedicated and established family.  We have completed our home study and are approved to adopt in Alberta.

As a family we love to bike ride, camp, go to parks, eat ice cream, go boating, go fishing, attend Bible study, go to Church on Sundays, go skating, play ice hockey, go swimming, read books, play lego, have BBQs, and travel!  We have brought Logan to swimming lessons, gymnastics for toddlers, library programs, preschool, and skating lessons.  While we do keep busy, I am a stay at home mom, so we have lots of down time together at home as well.  

We feel so blessed to be able to pursue adoption as a means of creating our family.  We know that this is a call from God and we are willing and ready and very excited to bring another child into our family.  If we have the honour of parenting your child we promise to provide a loving and secure home where God is the centre of all we do.

We have every intention of keeping in contact with our adopted child's birth family if they choose, and if it is a safe situation for everyone involved.  We would like our adopted child to know who his/her birth relatives are and that they have so many people who love them and care about them.  We want them to know their story...of how they were loved very much before they came to live with us and the hard decisions that were made by their birth parents in order for them to become part of our family.  We would like to make a workable plan with our child's birth family for things such as photos, emails, phone calls, and visits (depending on circumstances).  We believe open adoption is a healthy option for both baby and birth parents, to help in the healing process.

Humbled by the weight of your decision, we hope that we can help you fulfil your desire to find a loving family for your child.  If you feel our family is the right one for your child, we would be honoured to welcome your child into our home.  We are excited and ready to begin this journey with you.  May you find strength and peace through this time in your life, and may God bless you for the amazing courage you have!  

-Ben and Ali "    

               

Home Study

Okay, back to the application process!  

After being given the go ahead to schedule a home study, work really began.  We had to have our massive Home Study Self Report (consisting of about 18 pages of typed answers to questions about our personality, health, education, employment history, religion, family history, relationships, home and community, and motivation to adopt) completed so that we could give it to the social worker during our home study. 

We were super nervous about this part of the process probably because of how personal things had become.  No longer were we sending off papers in the mail, now we were exposing our pasts, our home, and our future goals to a stranger.  A stranger who had a fair amount of say in how our adoption dreams played out.

Now, luckily, there is another family in our church who is a few months ahead of us in this process.  That adoptive mom and I were able to get together once and talk about how the home study would go.  This was a huge deal for us because she calmed a lot of our (my) fears about what would actually take place when the worker was at our home.  The worker wouldn't be opening closet doors, kitchen cupboards, looking for child proofing, or anything like that.  So, while I did want my home to be clean and organized, I didn't have to have it perfect!  That was important, because I did feel a little overwhelmed at that point with trying to have everything prepared well.  The other thing that this mom told me was that the worker won't think it is a bad thing for there to be a little bit of 'kid mess' here and there, besides, you do live in the house and raise a child there!   

The first home study meeting took place on a Sunday afternoon.  The worker arrived and was very chatty and had a sense of humour, so we knew right away that it would probably be easy to keep the conversation going.  We pretty much went straight to our kitchen table and did the rest of the meeting there.  

I thought that since we had covered so much ground with our home study self report that we would talk about other things with this worker.  Nope.  She basically asked us all of the same questions that were in the report.  I must say that it was easier to write those answers than say them when you are nervous.  When writing you can think for a bit and then even revise it later. Here, you had to be quick to answer and hope not to jumble your words or say something that you didn't really intend.  

While it was good to be answering questions that we had already written answers to, it was tough to talk about some of the topics.  Nothing in your past, present, or future was off limits.  I do feel that it is very important for the worker to get the best sense of who you are as people, what your struggles have been, how you parent or hope to parent, and what you hope for your future family.  So, even though some things were hard to discuss, we understand the process and were happy to get through this part.  Don't get me wrong, a lot of the discussion topics were super easy to chat about as well :)

One thing that we weren't all that prepared for was taking a test/survey about ourselves, families, past, and relationships.  It was one of those tests were you had to answer questions about your spouse and they had to answer those same questions about themselves.... and they needed to match :)  I think we did okay.  

We were a little worried about the part in the interview when the worker would ask our son questions!  What would he say?  Would he talk to her at all?  He was barely three at the time so just a little on the unpredictable side!  Anyways, he did well.  I don't remember what she asked him, maybe what he likes to do with his mom and dad or something like that.  He wouldn't say much to her, but he did say that he wants to teach his new brother or sister how to drive.

Once about two hours had gone by the interview was over and the worker took a short tour of the house.  She didn't even open all of the doors, so I had done a lot of extra cleaning!  But, could you imagine taking the chance and not making your home look as welcoming as possible?  No.  We felt good when she left.  Nothing had been too hard.  We hadn't said anything incredibly stupid.  

Did you think we were done?  Nope, not yet.  After a few weeks we had to meet up with this worker again for one on one interviews.  On her turf this time.  We thought that the first home study interview was personal.  This next one went to the next level.  I definitely can't say that the worker doesn't do her job to screen out the people that maybe shouldn't adopt.  She knows more about the two of us than anyone else out there!  And we passed!

It took a couple of weeks of waiting before I sent an email to the worker to see how she was doing on writing up our report.  She hadn't really started, but the email did get her going.  After a couple of revisions, which we had a say in, our report was complete about a month after we met the worker.  

It wasn't long after that that we received our approval letter.  That was such a good feeling!  Those four months of applications, forms, and meetings were stressful and hard work at times.  But, once you get approved it is pretty easy to forget all of that and just look forward!  That was January, 2014.  Now we are in September, 2014, and while the wait is long, and only going to get longer, we are hopeful and ready.  

God knows what the future holds and we rest in that.  We pray for patience and for the health and safety of the child who will someday be ours.  

Now is the fun part.  In my next post I will share a sneak peak at our adoption profile book!  



  

Initial Consultation with the agency

I must say that one of the most nerve-wracking meetings was the initial consultation we had with one of the social workers from the CAS agency.  This meeting was done after we completed the application, but before we had the home study.  

The setting?  Small neighbourhood coffee shop in Edmonton sitting around a table near a fireplace.  Drinking lattes, of course.  Ben and I arrived early, trying to calm our jitters.

We knew that the meeting was meant as a way to determine if we were 'right' for the agency and if the agency was 'right' for us.  There are a few things that set this agency apart from other private agencies in the province, and those things needed to be discussed.

CAS has three requirements that applicants must comply with in order to move on to the home study part of the pre-adoption screening.  Openness, Christianity, and infertility.

Discussing our infertility is usually the first thing that I like to talk about with people I have never met and in a public setting.  Not.  Actually, once we got the ice broken with some introductions and small talk, there is really nowhere to go but to the nitty gritty! The reason we were there was to discuss these topics, so we might as well get down to it.  Something about the social worker, made it very easy once the conversation was going.  She needed to know that we for sure were unable to become pregnant on our own, were not continuing to try any other infertility treatments like IVF, and that we had grieved our losses.  We actually didn't know that we would have to talk about this, so emotionally it was a bit stressful for me.  We were definitely done with all other attempts at having children through reproductive technology, but to say that we have grieved our loss completely was a bit of a stretch.  The loss is still huge, and I don't think that it will ever be completely gone.  However, we did feel ready to wholeheartedly welcome an adopted child!  I think that our losses will always be with us, just like they are when someone experiences the loss of a child through miscarriage...healing can happen, but the memories and love and pain are still there.    

Christianity was the second requirement of CAS.  When birth parents go there to look for an adoptive family for their child, they are specifically choosing for their child to be raised by a Christian family.  They may be Christians themselves, or not, but see the benefits of their children being Christians.  Another reason that birthparents may chose Christian parents for their child is that they believe they will get a stronger commitment to an open relationship.

This brings us to the third requirement, openness.  Open adoptions are the norm nowadays.  It is required through CAS that we commit to having some form of visitation with the birth family (whoever wishes to be involved). The amount of visitation varies based on what the birth family and adoptive family agrees on.  This is also part of how they match us as well, depending on what we would like in terms of openness.  Part of the openness agreement will be sending pictures or letters telling about milestones and achievements.  Often visitation and the need send pictures will decrease as the years go by and the birth parents become more comfortable with the adoptive family.  

We admit that openness seemed like a difficult thing to commit too.  I know it is selfish, but somehow the idea of going home with your baby and never looking back is more appealing.  However, once we were able to do some reading (before the consultation) and listen to the social worker talk about the many benefits of openness we know that it is absolutely the better option for all families involved!  Knowing who their birth parents (or at least their birth mother) is, greatly reduces the unknowns for the adopted child.  It is also encouraged that we, as adoptive parents, tell our child their story (with only age appropriate details) from the time that they are very young.  Adoption is not secret or shameful, it is done out of love and hope for the future!

Both Ben and I left the meeting feeling very encouraged! The social worker was so warm and she answered soooo many questions for us.  We had two hours of easy conversation and came out of there knowing so much more about adoption than we did going in. 

From there it was on to the bigger stuff like writing our home study self report and then getting the home study started!       

And the story begins, part 1

Ben and I started dating in 1999, and after four years we got married.  A few years later we gave ourselves a deadline.  We said that by the time Ben was 28 (2009) we needed to have a plan for how we would start our family.  Until then, we would just continue on as we were, both working on our careers and enjoying our time together as a couple.  That time flew by!  Ben was working full time as a power engineer, renovating our lakehouse, playing hockey, and playing around with his old car.  I was teaching elementary school, playing soccer and hockey, and coaching volleyball.  We had a lot going on and were really enjoying our life together.  However, as we got closer and closer to Ben turning 28, we thought that we better starting talking about IT.  

We knew what our options were, adoption and surrogacy.  I knew for 100% sure that my body can never carry a pregnancy, and honestly, that was a pretty big blessing for us.  Though I don't think the pain of infertility will ever fully go away for me, I had had several years to comes to terms with it.  I had thought a lot about what the reason might be that I have this issue...perhaps a different call on my life than what I would have expected.  Also, because I knew at a young age (before marriage) that I would never carry a baby, Ben and I didn't have to go through the years of trying to conceive and failing, or painful and expensive IVF treatments.  We knew what our situation was and we knew what our choices were.  BTW, when you tell your boyfriend of three months that you know for sure you will never carry a baby (I thought that it would be a deal breaker, so I said it early), and he says, "I love you more today than I did yesterday," you know you have a keeper.  

So, in order for surrogacy to happen, you have to have someone offer to do this for you (In some other countries women do this for a fee, not Canada).   Carrying a baby for someone else is just one of those things that about 99.99% of women are unable/unwilling to do, and we knew this.  Though the idea of surrogacy was amazing, we were not counting it as a realistic option for us.  Adoption was on the table!  Before we had a chance to get anywhere with adoption, a bombshell came!

There was someone willing to be a surrogate mother and carry a child for us!  Never did we think that this was going to happen, but we jumped in with both feet!  If you want to check out how our surrogacy journey went, our amazing surrogate mother wrote a blog about the entire thing, and here is the address: beautifulsurrogacy.blogspot.ca.   Everything went extremely well and we were blessed with our son, Logan, in 2010!

When Logan was two years old, we tried again because we had embryos still frozen that we could never discard (those who don't believe in an embryo being life might discard these, sadly).  To us, the embryos were our possible children, and we hoped so deeply for them to join our family.  However, the Lord, in His wisdom, didn't allow that for us.  It is still hard now, after almost two years, to think about the loss that we incurred at that time.  Thankfully, we know that God has ours lives in His hands and that we need to wait on His timing if we are to be blessed with another child... not an easy thing to wait for.  God has something else in store for us though!  We know it!  We believe that the Lord is faithful and that we can trust Him!

Isaiah 55:8-9: "My thoughts are completely different from yours," says the Lord.  "And my ways are far beyond anything you can imagine.  For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

This is us back in 2010, a few months before our son, was born.

In part 2, I will write about our decision to apply to adopt and describe what we have done so far to get there.

Our Road to Adoption

Welcome to my first blog!!!  Having a blog is never something I have thought about doing until now... now that we are going through the adoption process.  We are now waiting to adopt in Alberta, Canada, through Christian Adoption Services.

As Ben and I started to look into adoption I found myself reading information books and information websites, but mostly, people's stories.  Out of all of the things I have read, the blogs written by families who were adopting helped me the most.  So, I thought maybe I would do the same!  

If our story is able to help anyone learn more about how adoption works in Alberta, or about what it is like to go through the process, or about the fact that there are families ready and excited to adopt, then I will consider it a success!

This is also a way for us to keep our friends and family up to date on our adoption process, share in our waiting, and share in our excitement!

I hope that you enjoy reading this blog.  I plan to update it as things happen.....which can take a while...we are talking about adoption here, lol.  I will need to do a few posts to catch up to where we are now in the process, and I will be working on those right away.  Please feel free to comment on any of my posts!