Lately, I have been thinking about the lifetime of open adoption that we have signed up for. With the incredible joy we are going to experience, there are so many unknowns and fears. I fear what it will take to try and build a relationship with a birth family...possibly over several months time before birth. I fear that we will spend months forming a relationship, going on trips and having meetings, only to be told that she's changed her mind. I fear that we will become emotionally invested and be let down. I fear a revoked adoption. I fear awkward and difficult conversations. I fear the sadness that will be felt by our birth mom. We will be making a commitment to maintain a relationship with another family for life. I have some fear about this too. I fear a lot of things.
I have had many songs speak to me during this adoption wait. I included some songs below that have been meaningful to me over the past while. In some ways they are adoption related, but most of them just have a line or two that resonates with me. You may be in a different season of life, but may need similar encouragement.
Oceans, by Hillsong
Why I like it: it is a prayer for strength and faith. We can't walk this adoption journey alone; it is too hard! Where we fail, God takes over.
When I listen to this song I feel like I am praying the words, almost pleading with God.
"You call me out upon the waters, where feet may fail. I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine."
"Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you never fail and won't stop now."
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my saviour."
When I listen to this song I feel like I am praying the words, almost pleading with God.
"You call me out upon the waters, where feet may fail. I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine."
"Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you never fail and won't stop now."
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my saviour."
I have this incredible benefit of being a part of the worship team at our church. I am constantly learning new music with the group and preparing songs for the church to sing together. I am often touched by the lyrics that we sing. Sometimes the lyrics are too much for me to sing because of how much truth they carry. I feel that God has placed me in the worship team in order that he can speak to me.
No Longer Slaves
Why I like it: There are so many unknowns and fears surrounding our hopes of an adoption. As our social workers have said to us, "every adoption situation is different and you never know how it will go or what will happen." I want to trust that God has this all under control.
"I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God."
"I am surrounded by the arms of the Father."
While I'm Waiting
Why I like it: because I want so badly to worship God in the midst of pain, and I struggle to do this.
"I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience.
While I'm waiting, I will serve you.
While I'm waiting, I will worship.
While I'm waiting, I will not fade."
I remember singing words like this in Church around the time that we had several failed IVF procedures. I wanted so badly to identify with the words...to truly worship in the midst of the pain, and serve Him despite our sadness and questions. We were studying the book of James as a church at the time, and the words just dug into me, "consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2,3)
Consider it pure joy.
With the risk of writing about something more personal and scaring some of you off, I am going to tell you a story. There is no reason for me to write this blog if it glosses over the truth of what it is to live as an infertile person. It is hard. While I have no doubt in my mind that the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, created me exactly this way for a purpose, it is very difficult to consider it pure joy to face this trial. It is difficult to think about why He would allow us to have this trial. I will never carry a child. But, why?
One day in church, right around the time that a baby would have been born to us if our last IVF procedure had been successful, a friend of mine came in with her two week old baby boy. He was beautiful. She sat a few rows ahead of me and I watched them during the service. During the singing of the worship songs she was holding her baby and dancing. Her love and joy was so evident, and she was praising God for her son.
I barely made it out of the sanctuary, down the church stairs and into the ladies room before I was overtaken with tears. I had my few minutes to think about things and compose myself. Then I went back into the service. By the time the end of the service came around I was ready. She handed me her baby and I was able to keep it together (until I got home, of course).
In a moment like that, I can say that it is true that I can be 100% happy for someone, despite being broken inside with a deep ache in my heart. I know that there are others of you out there who have felt this.
Come as You Are
Why I like it: the brokenness and shame of infertility are overwhelming for me at times and God calls us to lay this down. Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that there can be healing from the emotional pain of this loss, so I need the reminder to continually give this over to God, come as I am, and lift up my face.
"Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal."
"Lay down your burdens, lay down your shame."
"All who are broken, lift up your face."
