Luke: Part 4

  The 10 day wait.

Once we made it home to my parent's place with baby Luke, the dreaded 10 day waiting period would begin.  During this period it was possible for the birth mother or birth father to revoke the adoption.  They had up until midnight on the 10th day to do this.  

You might think that this would be extremely stressful, not knowing if the baby you are loving and caring for, and spending sleepless nights for, is going to be yours forever.  But actually, it wasn't too bad.  I had wondered ahead of time if I would feel a strong bond to an adopted child during the 10 day wait, or if I would feel like he wasn't really mine, or like I couldn't fully commit until I knew for sure.  Thankfully, I can say that for both Ben and I, our love for Luke came almost immediately.  The doubt was there too, but it was small.

There is something about being 100% depended upon for everything, and giving constant care that creates a strong relationship very quickly.  I know that for those who are adopting toddlers or older children this might not be as instant.

God also stepped in with this 10 day wait and provided us with the sweetest, most mildly mannered little guy.  Luke is so low key and calm, and this made him soooooo easy to love.  And I am so proud to say that we loved him almost right away.  It was easy to see it in my husband's eyes, and in Logan's too.  Logan was incredibly happy to have Luke as his brother and was eager to hold him and help feed him.

So, the not knowing.  That is what may have made the 10 day wait unbearable.  However, we actually felt like we did know.  You can never be 100% sure until midnight on the 10th day, but based on some things that were said when we were at the hospital with the family, we knew that there was no plan for this precious baby to go home with his birth parents.  As the 10 days went along I kept up correspondence with Luke's birth mother and went over everyone's expectations for the adoption.  We planned visitation and pictures and updates for the grandmothers.  While our birth mother did want to get some things figured out, she was consistently saying how happy she was with us as Luke's parents.

We would like to keep our birth mother's story private, as this would be beneficial for her and Luke in the long run.  All I will say, however, is this: there are some very good reasons why the best decision for your baby could be to place him for adoption.  As much as we would like to think that surely there should be a way for a birth mother to make it work (which more that one person said to me during our first weeks with Luke), some times there is not.  The decision for adoption completely puts the child first.  Knowing what she knew about her own life and the life of the baby's birth father, Luke's birth mother made the best choice she could for the future of her child, and we are so fortunate to be given the opportunity to raise him. 

It is humbling to accept the things that our birth mother feels about us, but we are going to try our whole lives to live up to her view of who we are!  She felt that she could not have dreamed up a better family for her son.  Unbelievable.  

Never once did she waver.  She shared her sorrows and I wept with her.  She struggled through the pain of engorged breasts and recovering from Luke's birth.  Never has something so joyful for us been full of so much sorrow for someone else.  She told me about her plans to start work soon, and her thoughts on school in the fall.  She was resolute in her belief that the best place for Luke was with our family.  We are so honoured.

By the seventh day we were feeling so strongly that nothing was going to change that we decided to head home and spend the last few days sleeping in our own beds!  We had to cocoon in our house because we hadn't told the world about Luke yet!  We had wanted to avoid having told the universe about our new son and then having to take it all back and announce that the adoption had been revoked.  So, though many of of friends and family were very surprised, we announced Luke's arrival on the morning 11.  

our announcement...typo and all, lol.

I would like to finish this post with a few photos.  I may not blog again in the near future.  I am finding it hard to keep up and would love to focus my attention on my three sweet boys!  Thank you for reading!

Luke: Part 3

Make sure you read Luke: Part 1 and Luke: Part 2 before reading this new post!

We had met our birth mom on a Wednesday.  The following Tuesday she was to have a stitch removed from her cervix, called a cerclage, that had kept her cervix from dilating.  Of course I had to Google what would happen when the stitch was removed!  One of two things, she would either go into labour, or she would not, haha.  Hmm.  The day of the removal was two and a half weeks before her due date.

She didn't even make it to the Tuesday appointment!  All day Monday the contractions were coming.  By Wednesday morning the cerclage was out and the baby was ready to come!  

Once Ben and I knew that most likely the baby would be born on Wednesday some time, we decided to head to the city as soon as Ben got off of work at 7pm.  That meant getting our whole family all ready to live at my mom and dad's place in Edmonton for up to 10 days!  I made lists and packed all day and loved every minute of it.  It was finally happening and I couldn't wait to hit the road!  We had spent so much time preparing, that when she went into labour it wasn't too tough to get everything together.

The baby was born at 7:47pm when we had just hit the road.  We got the call from our social worker when we were almost in Edmonton to tell us that he had arrived, two and a half weeks early.  7 pounds 1 ounce, and everyone was doing well.

The plan was for us to be ready to go to the hospital the next morning.  Our social worker would go there a few hours before us to meet with both birth parents and the lawyer.  Papers needed to be signed that would give consent for the adoption.  Once the papers were signed, the 10 day revocation period would begin.

We arrived at the hospital at 11:00am, and waited in the truck to be summoned.  We thought that we might be needed before noon already, but the time ended up dragging on and on.  Eventually I started watching Frozen on the little truck dvd player, and Ben went off to find food at a drug store.  Around 1:30pm we were told to come in and meet with our social worker in the lobby.

We had a chance to look over the signed consent forms and medical histories of the birth parents.  We were told by our social worker that, though this might be quite an uncomfortable situation for us, the birth parents' moms and about six other close friends and family members were in the hospital room!  Oh man!  When I had planned out this moment in my mind I had never pictured that many people in there, or what I would say to them.  We started to get nervous but we figured getting through a few uncomfortable was a pretty small thing when considered the greater goal!

Thankfully, when we got the hospital room we found that the extended family members had gone downstairs for lunch so that we could have some private time with the birth parents.  We hadn't met the birth dad yet, and we were very glad that he had chosen to be there.  He had a chance to look through our profile book during that time and ask us questions if he wanted to, which he didn't.  

When the extended family came back in there was a bit of awkwardness, but they were very welcoming of us.  The birth dad's mom said right away that the family was "only there to support the adoption, meet the baby and say goodbye."  They wanted to welcome us into the family!  It was so kind of them to say those things and put us at ease right away.  There had been a bit of worry in the back of my mind that they were there to try to change the birth parents' minds.  The birth mom's mom was fairly emotional, but hugged me very tightly and and said, "thank you."  We felt very good after meeting the family, and though it caused some anxiety initially, we feel like we may have set some of their minds at ease and helped them to feel more comfortable with the adoption.

After about two hours together, it was time for our birth mom to go home.  We gave her some time alone with the baby while we had some lunch downstairs.  

I don't know if there has ever been something more difficult to watch than a mother walking out of a hospital room without her baby.  She cried, and so did I.  I felt so much pain for her.  Even though she was very confident in her decision, she loved him and walking away was incredibly difficult.  She was so brave.  

Once our birth mom had left with our social worker we were alone in the hospital room with the baby!  "What do we do?"  "Should we dress him?"  "Is he ready to go?"  The nurses didn't say much to us at all, just told us we could go.

It is very strange to walk out of a hospital with a baby.  Strange in a good way.

We gave our birth mom this same giraffe.  It is something that they can both have in common, that she can hold as a reminded of her precious boy.

Opa was the first person to hold Luke when we got home.  It was such a great coincidence that he was in town on this day!

The smile says it all!

First snuggles with grandpa.

Grandma, just home from work.

And the 10 day waiting period begins.   Longest 10 days of our lives.

To be continued...

Luke: Part 2

Check out Luke: Part 1 before you read this one!

After receiving THE CALL on Good Friday, we knew that the next step would be to meet our expectant mother for a dinner meeting.  The goal of the meeting was mostly for her to ask us some questions and listen to us tell a bit of our life story.  By having this kind of interview and conversation she would be able to get a sense for what we are like, get answers to any pressing questions, and make sure that she is comfortable with us.  At this point she could decide that she doesn't like us and end it right there.

I don't think that I have ever been so nervous as I was before this meeting.  Ben, not so much.  Typical.  He figured since she had read our profile book and 18 page detailed home study, she knows everything there is to know about us already... and still picked us!

So, we drove down to the shopping area where we were meeting at an Earl's restaurant.  Much too early, of course.  We had about 30 minutes to kill.  All I could think about though was that our birth mom might also be in the shopping area killing time!  And she knew exactly what we looked like, and we had absolutely no clue what she looked like!  We didn't even know if she was a blonde or a brunette, so everywhere we looked we wondered if we would bump into her!  Solution?  Go into the store you figure no one ever really goes in and hang out there!  Danier Leather.  I tried on at least three tacky jackets.

Once the time had come to go to the restaurant my heart was racing pretty fast.  Was I wearing the right thing?  Did I look good enough?  Would she think that I looked like a mother should look?  What would I say that I would regret later?  Will I be at a loss for words?  

This is us about to leave for our dinner meeting!  Note the cute little boy trying to get a way so as not to be in the picture, lol.

Thankfully, we saw our social worker right away when we entered the restaurant.  I guess the host thought that a booth right in the front middle of the restaurant would qualify as "something quiet in the corner."  Anyways, the social worker was alone, so we had arrived first.  We had a chance to chat with her about everything and try to calm down a bit.  A few minutes later our birth mom arrived.

She looked nervous too.  Very nervous.  I had to remind myself that I had read several times that a birth mom is just as worried that you won't like her!  She thinks that you might think that she has poor morals, or bad decision making skills, or that she isn't taking care of herself.  None of which is the case of course, but everyone has their own insecurities.  

Once the conversation got going a little bit it was actually okay.  We were asked to tell a basic version of our life story.  I was nervous so I don't even remember what I said anymore, but I think it went okay.  Ben was way more relaxed than me and seemed to have an easy time getting some humour into the conversation, which I am sure everyone appreciated.

This was our chance to discuss with our birth mom what she was hoping for in terms of an open adoption relationship with us.  We thought that she would have a good idea of what she wanted, but it became pretty clear once our social worker started asking her questions that she just didn't know yet what she would want and what would be healthy.  We left this topic for a discussion at a later date.

In the end, after about an hour and a half together, we could tell that all of the questions had been asked and answered and that we should probably say goodbye.  Our social worker told us that she would discuss everything with our birth mom and give us a call the next day to let us know if she was still happy with her choice.  This would also be our opportunity to decide if we wanted to enter into an open adoption relationship with her.  

We were very worried when we didn't get a call the next day.

Half of the next day passed and I decided to send our social worker an email asking what was up.  The message I got back, much later in the day, said that she hadn't spoken to our birth mom yet because she was busy, but that she was happy after the meeting and liked us.  Hmm.  Okay.  We had to wait another day for the real answer, but at least it was a good answer!   

And by the way, we adore her.  



to be continued...

Luke: Part 1

On Good Friday, April 3, at about 5:30pm, we got the call that we have been waiting for, and some how not at all expecting.  

We had been in church in the morning, and had spent some time in prayer before lunch after discussing two other adoption situations that had come up the day before.  One was a local family in need of a home for baby, and they had asked a friend for our contact information (they have yet to reach out to us), and another was an opportunity to have our profile shown to a family looking to place two older children, aged six and seven.  We were torn about how to approach those two opportunities, but God sure didn't have us mull over them for long!

The phone rang and Ben answered it.  He was almost immediately told, "congratulations, you have been chosen by an expectant mother!"  Whaaaaaaat?!?!??!

I know that we should have been prepared for such a call, but honestly, you just can't be. 

After a brief conversation with our agency social worker we had some information on baby's due date (May 9th), the planned place of birth, the sex of the baby, and a few details about the birth parents and their families.  We could not be more surprised, and we could not be more thrilled!

Dumbstruck, is how I would describe the feeling.  How in the world did we get chosen?

I mentioned in a previous blog post that there are so many reasons why an expectant mother will choose who they choose, and that it is most important in your profile book to be yourself.   This was so true in our case.  Some of the things that stood out to our birth mom are the very things that make Ben and I who we are... I love to play the piano, and Ben is a car guy.

It was tough, but we decided to keep our news a secret from family until Easter Sunday, when we would all (almost all, one family was not there) be together for dinner in Sylvan Lake.  We didn't last long though, about ten minutes after the last members had arrived we gathered the adults into the living room and told them we were chosen.  There were a few tears and a few hugs.  It felt great to have good news to share for once.  I can't say that I felt like answering the question, "anything adoption related going on?" with the same old disappointing answer.  

There was so much yet that had to happen for an adoption to go through, so we had to keep things quiet from the world for quite a while.  It felt weird having such a big secret, but we knew that whoever we told would also need to be notified if everything fell apart.  
We got going on the fun stuff, liking finding a dresser for the nursery, buying a new carseat, and picking out a few new outfits for the little guy.  We also went into high gear on the ongoing projects we had around the house. We tiled around the fireplace and the bathroom back splash, Ben detailed the vehicles, and I washed the exterior windows and took a few loads of things to the thrift store so that I could get more organized.  I think they call that nesting, lol.

We were so lucky to have a few weeks to prepare for Luke and we really enjoyed having such an amazing thing to look forward to and plan for!  Somehow work didn't seem like work.

      to be continued....    

where feet may fail

Lately, I have been thinking about the lifetime of open adoption that we have signed up for.  With the incredible joy we are going to experience, there are so many unknowns and fears.  I fear what it will take to try and build a relationship with a birth family...possibly over several months time before birth.  I fear that we will spend months forming a relationship, going on trips and having meetings, only to be told that she's changed her mind.  I fear that we will become emotionally invested and be let down.  I fear a revoked adoption.  I fear awkward and difficult conversations.  I fear the sadness that will be felt by our birth mom.  We will be making a commitment to maintain a relationship with another family for life.  I have some fear about this too.  I fear a lot of things.

I have had many songs speak to me during this adoption wait.  I included some songs below that have been meaningful to me over the past while.  In some ways they are adoption related, but most of them just have a line or two that resonates with me.  You may be in a different season of life, but may need similar encouragement.

Oceans, by Hillsong

Why I like it:  it is a prayer for strength and faith.  We can't walk this adoption journey alone; it is too hard!  Where we fail, God takes over.  

When I listen to this song I feel like I am praying the words, almost pleading with God.  

"You call me out upon the waters, where feet may fail.  I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves.  When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine."

"Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you never fail and won't stop now."

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me.  Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my saviour."

I have this incredible benefit of being a part of the worship team at our church.  I am constantly learning new music with the group and preparing songs for the church to sing together.  I am often touched by the lyrics that we sing.  Sometimes the lyrics are too much for me to sing because of how much truth they carry.  I feel that God has placed me in the worship team in order that he can speak to me.


No Longer Slaves
Why I like it:  There are so many unknowns and fears surrounding our hopes of an adoption. As our social workers have said to us, "every adoption situation is different and you never know how it will go or what will happen."   I want to trust that God has this all under control. 

 "I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God."
 "I am surrounded by the arms of the Father."





While I'm Waiting
Why I like it: because I want so badly to worship God in the midst of pain, and I struggle to do this.

"I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience.
While I'm waiting, I will serve you.
While I'm waiting, I will worship.
While I'm waiting, I will not fade."



I remember singing words like this in Church around the time that we had several failed IVF procedures.  I wanted so badly to identify with the words...to truly worship in the midst of the pain, and serve Him despite our sadness and questions.  We were studying the book of James as a church at the time, and the words just dug into me, "consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."  (James 1:2,3)

Consider it pure joy.

With the risk of writing about something more personal and scaring some of you off, I am going to tell you a story.  There is no reason for me to write this blog if it glosses over the truth of what it is to live as an infertile person.  It is hard.  While I have no doubt in my mind that the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, created me exactly this way for a purpose, it is very difficult to consider it pure joy to face this trial.  It is difficult to think about why He would allow us to have this trial.  I will never carry a child.  But, why?

One day in church, right around the time that a baby would have been born to us if our last IVF procedure had been successful, a friend of mine came in with her two week old baby boy.  He was beautiful.  She sat a few rows ahead of me and I watched them during the service.  During the singing of the worship songs she was holding her baby and dancing.  Her love and joy was so evident, and she was praising God for her son.  

I barely made it out of the sanctuary, down the church stairs and into the ladies room before I was overtaken with tears.  I had my few minutes to think about things and compose myself.  Then I went back into the service.  By the time the end of the service came around I was ready.  She handed me her baby and I was able to keep it together (until I got home, of course).

In a moment like that, I can say that it is true that I can be 100% happy for someone, despite being broken inside with a deep ache in my heart.  I know that there are others of you out there who have felt this.  


Come as You Are
Why I like it: the brokenness and shame of infertility are overwhelming for me at times and God calls us to lay this down.  Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that there can be healing from the emotional pain of this loss, so I need the reminder to continually give this over to God, come as I am, and lift up my face.

"Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal."
"Lay down your burdens, lay down your shame."
"All who are broken, lift up your face."

Renewal

This past week Ben, Logan, and I spent the week recharging in Cancun, Mexico!  It was a time for us to soak up the sun, swim in the warm ocean, and feel the sand between our toes.  

It was so amazing to not have to do anything pressing, just enjoy hours of conversation and heat.  And the food... I sure appreciated not cooking for the week.

The first picture that Logan has ever taken of us!  Crazy the things he can do as he grows up.

We chose a resort that had a kids club so that Logan could spend time with some other little people, and so that Ben and I could have some all important quality time just the two of us.  We were hardly out of bed in the mornings and Logan would be begging to be brought down to the kids club to be with his precious Barbara.  I should have known that he would steal the heart of his sweet Mexican childcare provider.  She could hardly let him go when it was time to leave at the end of the week! 

Below is a picture of Logan by the kids club pool, which actually has a huge Noah's Ark in it and slides!  

Out of a whole book of pictures of colourful dragons, butterflies, tigers and super heros, Logan chose the skull mask with the deep black eyes, lol. 

Family selfie by the pool.  We spent so much time by the pool since Logan loves swimming! 

dressed up for a fancy dinner with my cute date!

I could watch them play for hours.  As you can see by my toes in the bottom of the photo, I was lounging and enjoying a good book.  

Shortly after this beach photo was taken, Ben ended up hauling a lady out of the water who was getting repeatedly ploughed over by waves, shrieking, and swallowing tons of salt water as she rolled around.  The waves were so strong that you often couldn't get your footing after being hit, and then the next wave would come in and make it even worse.  All of those years of Ben being a life guard at the Mount Layton Hot Springs proved their worth!  I was so proud of my hero husband :) 

The heat and humidity did wonders for my hair, haha, so some days I just went with it, even though Ben calls me a lion.

This champ was super scared of the ocean the first few days, but by the last day he was loving it.  He never went in more than a few feet, but it was great to see him having so much fun and losing the fear.  The smile says it all!

I am so thankful that we were able to go on this trip.  Besides the obvious reasons like, we live in a freezing cold place, and Ben needing a break from work, this trip was so much more for our family.  

We were able to feel renewed in so many ways.  Having more time for each other made for conversations about life.  Good ones.  It was fun to talk about our adoption at length and predict what may happen. What will it be like to get that phone call?  How will Ben get time off of work?  What are our goals for our family?  How will we spend our first days together after the adoption?

It felt good to talk about our adoption and get excited about it.  When you're waiting in your first year there isn't always a lot to talk about...like your life isn't fully happening...but it is too early to get the phone call...so you have to just continue continuing.  Now, when we talk about it, it feels like it is something that is going to happen soon, and isn't just a distant dream.

Being renewed in our adoption excitement and life planning feels good.   


So, how do you top off an amazing sun soaked trip to beautiful Cancun?

Well...



You have a meeting with your social worker the morning you get back!

It is sometimes hard to believe, but we have now waited over a full year since being approved to adopt and our home study needs to be renewed.  Thankfully, though, it wasn't nearly as big a deal as I thought it might be.  

When our first home study was done, the finished document was 18 pages long, and the result of at least eight hours in interview meetings.  And we had the dreaded home inspection, which was more of a coffee-at-the-kitchen-table kind of thing.  I was hoping that we wouldn't have to go back to all of what was covered in the same amount of detail.  And we didn't.  This time, we had some lunch at the High Level Diner in Edmonton, and chatted through a short questionnaire.  I bet we actually talked about the social worker's kids more than about our questionnaire. 

She really just needed to know if anything had changed.  Oddly enough, hardly anything had.  Other than me starting to substitute teach and the addition of an actual nursery in the house, we had nothing to report.  That is probably why things moved so quickly.  

We are feeling really hopeful that 2015 will be the year.  We are now in position #17 on our list, and have a pretty decent chance of being shown to expectant mothers any time now.  Unless, of course, the mother is looking for a couple with no kids, a couple from the city, a couple with a huge barn full of horses, a couple with five other kids, or a couple with dogs and cats and fish and hamsters.  Ha.  You never know what someone could ask for!   

A Quilt for Baby

I finished another baby quilt tonight.  Funny thing is though, this one is going to be given to an actual baby!  A baby that I know is going to be born in June.  I don't know if the baby will be a boy or a girl, but I know that the baby is coming.   The expectant mother is a dear dear friend who is thinking of doing up the nursery in teal, grey, and maybe some pops of yellow... and a few elephants.  Sounds very sweet :)  And, I suppose, now she knows what her gift is going to be, lol.

Anyhow, I couldn't help but think as I finished piecing this quilt together tonight, about why I make these baby quilts and give them away.  I already love this baby who is coming.  And I picture the baby's mother wrapping this quilt around her baby to keep it warm and cozy.  

Tonight, while I was sewing, I couldn't help but wonder; is someone pregnant with our baby right now?  It is so hard to imagine, but at any moment we could get that call saying that our baby is coming!  

Though, don't get your hopes up, we have only been waiting officially for a year, and many families wait much longer. 

Sometimes, the time just seems to drag on and on, and it feels like nothing is actually happening.  Like we aren't actually waiting for anything.  We are just living, as a family of three and nothing else is going on.  

I have a feeling that it is going to come as a major shock if we ever actually get chosen. During these quiet adoption wait times it is easy to feel like it isn't going to happen.

I don't want to say that we aren't hopeful.  We know that the Lord can do anything, and that He is so right in His timing.  We want the adoption to take place when He has ordained it, and when the child is born that He has set aside for us to parent.

It was interesting for me though, making this quilt for a dear baby that is going to be born to our friends near an expected time.  This child can be planned for, expected, and loved by it's parents even before birth.  

I made a quilt for our baby a year ago, and it sits in a folded pile in the crib.  We don't know when or if it will be used.  I loved making that quilt, and for some reason, I thought maybe that "if you built it, they will come" would apply to our own dreams too.   

If there is anything that we need prayer for lately, it is definitely patience.  Pray that we can live fully and not live like we are waiting.  Pray that we take joy out of the many ways that God has blessed our family as it is today.  

We are so thankful, but it is hard not to focus on what seems to be missing.