What a Priviledge

One thing that I never expected when starting this journey was to become a part of such an amazing adoption community!  I never knew that we would be getting emails outlining ways that we can be in prayer for other adoptive families, birth families, and children.  I have to say I have been moved to tears by these stories on several occasions.  So much emotion with adoption.  These are not little decisions being made, they are life changing for all involved. Being in the know on these scenarios has taught us so much about what adoption involves.  This is not for the faint at heart.  What a privilege to be able to join others in their joy and struggles as they experience all of this!  

Knowing that we are now a part of this prayer community also gives me some peace of mind in knowing that we will be lifted up in prayer when it is us who are in the midst of it all!  

This new window into the community of Christian adoption in Alberta brought with it the realities of the situations that are present around all adoptions:  
-the decisions a birthmother must make as she thinks about her uncertain future, whether or not she can bare to raise her child, whether or not she can bare to place her child 
-the unknown health of children being born out of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, homelessness or mental illness  
-the emotions of families chosen to parent a child only to have the child revoked before finalization  
-the broken hearts of the couples waiting years for their adoption dream to come true, only to never be chosen
-the precious little babies and children being neglected and suffering as birth parents work to cope with their troubled lives and family responsibilities
-birth mothers in agony as they say goodbye to their precious child
-adoptive families meeting birth families and going through days or weeks of courtship before decisions are made


So many people hoping to love a child...a longed for time in a family's life that brings so much joy!

So many people grieving the loss of children they will not parent...deep heartache that will be felt for years to come. 

One family's joy stemming from another family's sadness.

So many reasons to pray.

Initial Consultation with the agency

I must say that one of the most nerve-wracking meetings was the initial consultation we had with one of the social workers from the CAS agency.  This meeting was done after we completed the application, but before we had the home study.  

The setting?  Small neighbourhood coffee shop in Edmonton sitting around a table near a fireplace.  Drinking lattes, of course.  Ben and I arrived early, trying to calm our jitters.

We knew that the meeting was meant as a way to determine if we were 'right' for the agency and if the agency was 'right' for us.  There are a few things that set this agency apart from other private agencies in the province, and those things needed to be discussed.

CAS has three requirements that applicants must comply with in order to move on to the home study part of the pre-adoption screening.  Openness, Christianity, and infertility.

Discussing our infertility is usually the first thing that I like to talk about with people I have never met and in a public setting.  Not.  Actually, once we got the ice broken with some introductions and small talk, there is really nowhere to go but to the nitty gritty! The reason we were there was to discuss these topics, so we might as well get down to it.  Something about the social worker, made it very easy once the conversation was going.  She needed to know that we for sure were unable to become pregnant on our own, were not continuing to try any other infertility treatments like IVF, and that we had grieved our losses.  We actually didn't know that we would have to talk about this, so emotionally it was a bit stressful for me.  We were definitely done with all other attempts at having children through reproductive technology, but to say that we have grieved our loss completely was a bit of a stretch.  The loss is still huge, and I don't think that it will ever be completely gone.  However, we did feel ready to wholeheartedly welcome an adopted child!  I think that our losses will always be with us, just like they are when someone experiences the loss of a child through miscarriage...healing can happen, but the memories and love and pain are still there.    

Christianity was the second requirement of CAS.  When birth parents go there to look for an adoptive family for their child, they are specifically choosing for their child to be raised by a Christian family.  They may be Christians themselves, or not, but see the benefits of their children being Christians.  Another reason that birthparents may chose Christian parents for their child is that they believe they will get a stronger commitment to an open relationship.

This brings us to the third requirement, openness.  Open adoptions are the norm nowadays.  It is required through CAS that we commit to having some form of visitation with the birth family (whoever wishes to be involved). The amount of visitation varies based on what the birth family and adoptive family agrees on.  This is also part of how they match us as well, depending on what we would like in terms of openness.  Part of the openness agreement will be sending pictures or letters telling about milestones and achievements.  Often visitation and the need send pictures will decrease as the years go by and the birth parents become more comfortable with the adoptive family.  

We admit that openness seemed like a difficult thing to commit too.  I know it is selfish, but somehow the idea of going home with your baby and never looking back is more appealing.  However, once we were able to do some reading (before the consultation) and listen to the social worker talk about the many benefits of openness we know that it is absolutely the better option for all families involved!  Knowing who their birth parents (or at least their birth mother) is, greatly reduces the unknowns for the adopted child.  It is also encouraged that we, as adoptive parents, tell our child their story (with only age appropriate details) from the time that they are very young.  Adoption is not secret or shameful, it is done out of love and hope for the future!

Both Ben and I left the meeting feeling very encouraged! The social worker was so warm and she answered soooo many questions for us.  We had two hours of easy conversation and came out of there knowing so much more about adoption than we did going in. 

From there it was on to the bigger stuff like writing our home study self report and then getting the home study started!       

Filling out the Application

Overwhelming.  That is about the only word to describe the pile of paperwork needing to be completed when applying to an adoption agency.  However, like the meme suggests, there are just some things worth spending time on!

For our agency the necessary documents include:

-detailed application: covers all basic information about your family including financials 

-criminal record check

-request for intervention check (to see if the ministry of families has been involved in any situations...so, probably a good idea)

-medicals

-letter from employers confirming employment and salary

-statement of faith

-4 reference forms: 1 pastor, 1 coworker, 2 friends... people who have known you for more than 3 years

-a 12 page photo album of your family/life (more pictures than words)  This is your profile book that will be shown to the birthparents.  It doesn't need to be completed until your application is approved.

And finally, the dreaded...

-Home Assessment Self Report:  This document can be completed after sending in all of the aforementioned forms, but will take a while!  In this report, you are asked to answer just under 80 questions about yourself from topics like, personality, health, education, employment history, religion, family history, relationships, home and community, and motivation to adopt.  For Ben and I, this took us about 10-12 hours each.  Some of the questions require a short answer and others and couple of sentences.  We wrote our answers in paragraph form.  

This kind of questioning can at first feel somewhat intrusive, but the beauty of it is that it is actually meant to prepare you for the interview aspects of the application screening.  By getting us to answer all of these questions we had to do a lot of thinking about our lives, past and present.  We had to think about the strengths and weaknesses of our marriage, and the reasons that we were hoping to adopt.  It's one thing to think that we would be able to answer those questions in an interview, but getting the chance to hash things out in conversation and writing over a week or two is such a blessing!

The finished document says a lot about who we are as a family and was a great way for the ladies at the agency to get to a deep understanding of us in a short time.  

I think that I remembered all of the forms here!  Really, it took me about a month to have all of those things completed, not including the photo album.  The hardest parts are the ones that require getting someone else involved, like the medicals, references, employer letter and criminal record check.  That, and having enough quiet time to write 18 pages single-spaced for the Home Study Self Report!

In my next post I'll write about the meetings that we had with the ladies from the agency, including the Home Study, dun, dun, dun...