where feet may fail

Lately, I have been thinking about the lifetime of open adoption that we have signed up for.  With the incredible joy we are going to experience, there are so many unknowns and fears.  I fear what it will take to try and build a relationship with a birth family...possibly over several months time before birth.  I fear that we will spend months forming a relationship, going on trips and having meetings, only to be told that she's changed her mind.  I fear that we will become emotionally invested and be let down.  I fear a revoked adoption.  I fear awkward and difficult conversations.  I fear the sadness that will be felt by our birth mom.  We will be making a commitment to maintain a relationship with another family for life.  I have some fear about this too.  I fear a lot of things.

I have had many songs speak to me during this adoption wait.  I included some songs below that have been meaningful to me over the past while.  In some ways they are adoption related, but most of them just have a line or two that resonates with me.  You may be in a different season of life, but may need similar encouragement.

Oceans, by Hillsong

Why I like it:  it is a prayer for strength and faith.  We can't walk this adoption journey alone; it is too hard!  Where we fail, God takes over.  

When I listen to this song I feel like I am praying the words, almost pleading with God.  

"You call me out upon the waters, where feet may fail.  I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves.  When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine."

"Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you never fail and won't stop now."

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me.  Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my saviour."

I have this incredible benefit of being a part of the worship team at our church.  I am constantly learning new music with the group and preparing songs for the church to sing together.  I am often touched by the lyrics that we sing.  Sometimes the lyrics are too much for me to sing because of how much truth they carry.  I feel that God has placed me in the worship team in order that he can speak to me.


No Longer Slaves
Why I like it:  There are so many unknowns and fears surrounding our hopes of an adoption. As our social workers have said to us, "every adoption situation is different and you never know how it will go or what will happen."   I want to trust that God has this all under control. 

 "I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God."
 "I am surrounded by the arms of the Father."





While I'm Waiting
Why I like it: because I want so badly to worship God in the midst of pain, and I struggle to do this.

"I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience.
While I'm waiting, I will serve you.
While I'm waiting, I will worship.
While I'm waiting, I will not fade."



I remember singing words like this in Church around the time that we had several failed IVF procedures.  I wanted so badly to identify with the words...to truly worship in the midst of the pain, and serve Him despite our sadness and questions.  We were studying the book of James as a church at the time, and the words just dug into me, "consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."  (James 1:2,3)

Consider it pure joy.

With the risk of writing about something more personal and scaring some of you off, I am going to tell you a story.  There is no reason for me to write this blog if it glosses over the truth of what it is to live as an infertile person.  It is hard.  While I have no doubt in my mind that the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, created me exactly this way for a purpose, it is very difficult to consider it pure joy to face this trial.  It is difficult to think about why He would allow us to have this trial.  I will never carry a child.  But, why?

One day in church, right around the time that a baby would have been born to us if our last IVF procedure had been successful, a friend of mine came in with her two week old baby boy.  He was beautiful.  She sat a few rows ahead of me and I watched them during the service.  During the singing of the worship songs she was holding her baby and dancing.  Her love and joy was so evident, and she was praising God for her son.  

I barely made it out of the sanctuary, down the church stairs and into the ladies room before I was overtaken with tears.  I had my few minutes to think about things and compose myself.  Then I went back into the service.  By the time the end of the service came around I was ready.  She handed me her baby and I was able to keep it together (until I got home, of course).

In a moment like that, I can say that it is true that I can be 100% happy for someone, despite being broken inside with a deep ache in my heart.  I know that there are others of you out there who have felt this.  


Come as You Are
Why I like it: the brokenness and shame of infertility are overwhelming for me at times and God calls us to lay this down.  Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that there can be healing from the emotional pain of this loss, so I need the reminder to continually give this over to God, come as I am, and lift up my face.

"Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal."
"Lay down your burdens, lay down your shame."
"All who are broken, lift up your face."

Renewal

This past week Ben, Logan, and I spent the week recharging in Cancun, Mexico!  It was a time for us to soak up the sun, swim in the warm ocean, and feel the sand between our toes.  

It was so amazing to not have to do anything pressing, just enjoy hours of conversation and heat.  And the food... I sure appreciated not cooking for the week.

The first picture that Logan has ever taken of us!  Crazy the things he can do as he grows up.

We chose a resort that had a kids club so that Logan could spend time with some other little people, and so that Ben and I could have some all important quality time just the two of us.  We were hardly out of bed in the mornings and Logan would be begging to be brought down to the kids club to be with his precious Barbara.  I should have known that he would steal the heart of his sweet Mexican childcare provider.  She could hardly let him go when it was time to leave at the end of the week! 

Below is a picture of Logan by the kids club pool, which actually has a huge Noah's Ark in it and slides!  

Out of a whole book of pictures of colourful dragons, butterflies, tigers and super heros, Logan chose the skull mask with the deep black eyes, lol. 

Family selfie by the pool.  We spent so much time by the pool since Logan loves swimming! 

dressed up for a fancy dinner with my cute date!

I could watch them play for hours.  As you can see by my toes in the bottom of the photo, I was lounging and enjoying a good book.  

Shortly after this beach photo was taken, Ben ended up hauling a lady out of the water who was getting repeatedly ploughed over by waves, shrieking, and swallowing tons of salt water as she rolled around.  The waves were so strong that you often couldn't get your footing after being hit, and then the next wave would come in and make it even worse.  All of those years of Ben being a life guard at the Mount Layton Hot Springs proved their worth!  I was so proud of my hero husband :) 

The heat and humidity did wonders for my hair, haha, so some days I just went with it, even though Ben calls me a lion.

This champ was super scared of the ocean the first few days, but by the last day he was loving it.  He never went in more than a few feet, but it was great to see him having so much fun and losing the fear.  The smile says it all!

I am so thankful that we were able to go on this trip.  Besides the obvious reasons like, we live in a freezing cold place, and Ben needing a break from work, this trip was so much more for our family.  

We were able to feel renewed in so many ways.  Having more time for each other made for conversations about life.  Good ones.  It was fun to talk about our adoption at length and predict what may happen. What will it be like to get that phone call?  How will Ben get time off of work?  What are our goals for our family?  How will we spend our first days together after the adoption?

It felt good to talk about our adoption and get excited about it.  When you're waiting in your first year there isn't always a lot to talk about...like your life isn't fully happening...but it is too early to get the phone call...so you have to just continue continuing.  Now, when we talk about it, it feels like it is something that is going to happen soon, and isn't just a distant dream.

Being renewed in our adoption excitement and life planning feels good.   


So, how do you top off an amazing sun soaked trip to beautiful Cancun?

Well...



You have a meeting with your social worker the morning you get back!

It is sometimes hard to believe, but we have now waited over a full year since being approved to adopt and our home study needs to be renewed.  Thankfully, though, it wasn't nearly as big a deal as I thought it might be.  

When our first home study was done, the finished document was 18 pages long, and the result of at least eight hours in interview meetings.  And we had the dreaded home inspection, which was more of a coffee-at-the-kitchen-table kind of thing.  I was hoping that we wouldn't have to go back to all of what was covered in the same amount of detail.  And we didn't.  This time, we had some lunch at the High Level Diner in Edmonton, and chatted through a short questionnaire.  I bet we actually talked about the social worker's kids more than about our questionnaire. 

She really just needed to know if anything had changed.  Oddly enough, hardly anything had.  Other than me starting to substitute teach and the addition of an actual nursery in the house, we had nothing to report.  That is probably why things moved so quickly.  

We are feeling really hopeful that 2015 will be the year.  We are now in position #17 on our list, and have a pretty decent chance of being shown to expectant mothers any time now.  Unless, of course, the mother is looking for a couple with no kids, a couple from the city, a couple with a huge barn full of horses, a couple with five other kids, or a couple with dogs and cats and fish and hamsters.  Ha.  You never know what someone could ask for!   

A Quilt for Baby

I finished another baby quilt tonight.  Funny thing is though, this one is going to be given to an actual baby!  A baby that I know is going to be born in June.  I don't know if the baby will be a boy or a girl, but I know that the baby is coming.   The expectant mother is a dear dear friend who is thinking of doing up the nursery in teal, grey, and maybe some pops of yellow... and a few elephants.  Sounds very sweet :)  And, I suppose, now she knows what her gift is going to be, lol.

Anyhow, I couldn't help but think as I finished piecing this quilt together tonight, about why I make these baby quilts and give them away.  I already love this baby who is coming.  And I picture the baby's mother wrapping this quilt around her baby to keep it warm and cozy.  

Tonight, while I was sewing, I couldn't help but wonder; is someone pregnant with our baby right now?  It is so hard to imagine, but at any moment we could get that call saying that our baby is coming!  

Though, don't get your hopes up, we have only been waiting officially for a year, and many families wait much longer. 

Sometimes, the time just seems to drag on and on, and it feels like nothing is actually happening.  Like we aren't actually waiting for anything.  We are just living, as a family of three and nothing else is going on.  

I have a feeling that it is going to come as a major shock if we ever actually get chosen. During these quiet adoption wait times it is easy to feel like it isn't going to happen.

I don't want to say that we aren't hopeful.  We know that the Lord can do anything, and that He is so right in His timing.  We want the adoption to take place when He has ordained it, and when the child is born that He has set aside for us to parent.

It was interesting for me though, making this quilt for a dear baby that is going to be born to our friends near an expected time.  This child can be planned for, expected, and loved by it's parents even before birth.  

I made a quilt for our baby a year ago, and it sits in a folded pile in the crib.  We don't know when or if it will be used.  I loved making that quilt, and for some reason, I thought maybe that "if you built it, they will come" would apply to our own dreams too.   

If there is anything that we need prayer for lately, it is definitely patience.  Pray that we can live fully and not live like we are waiting.  Pray that we take joy out of the many ways that God has blessed our family as it is today.  

We are so thankful, but it is hard not to focus on what seems to be missing.